Anxiety 

 

Anxiety! I guess it effects everyone in different ways but for me it’s like drowning, I gasp for Air my legs are like jelly, and I’m just filled with panic, and it seems the more you try to think it out, to try and see how silly it is to be like this, then the worse it all becomes, as if your overthinking things, all reasoning goes out the window and I’m just sinking, it’s best not to think at all, but how do you achieve that? I enjoy meditation though I don’t do it enough, but I should do it more, and will definitely try to do more.When we are going anywhere, like away in the eriba caravan, or hospital appointments or a family gathering then I will be worrying weeks before, it’s crippling I find it hard to concentrate on anything else, and my days just pass from one to another just sitting worrying, if I try to do anything else I am soon back to worrying, then before I know it it’s time to go, and everything comes to a head. On a good day, I find it hard to concentrate on more than one thing, for instance if I’m into playing my guitar then wouldn’t be able to then go and do some photography or any of the other thing I enjoy, I can only cope with one thing and that will carry on until I’m into something else then everything else will be on hold? I know it’s confusing.

I would love to be free from all this, but it’s just the tip of it all, the phobia of leaving home going out anywhere, I’ll only go to the shops early in the morning when they are quite, and even then I probably won’t go in, Caz does the shopping on her own. My head is filled with the thought of people looking at me, talking about me, and what if I do something that will draw attention to me, like fall over etc… and there is so very much more, so difficult to put into words.

These blogs are hopefully going to help, I am trying to turn things around and improve my life I want to tackle my weight, fitness, anxiety, phobias etc… and you can come along with me on all the good and bad times, but I want at the end to have my life back and stop being a prisoner, I want to be able to just jump in the car, hitch up the eriba caravan and head off on adventures, so I hope you stick around for the journey and thanks for listening.

Our Tilly.

 

Today I would like to tell you about our Tilly, she is our little Lancashire heeler and she is gorgeous, very stubborn but a great friend. Now our Tilly believes in democracy, if you tell her to get into her basket and you are in the room with her on your own, then she will obey and get into her basket. However if there is one, two or three more people in the room she will not get into her basket, unless every person asks her to, this is because there might just be one person in the room who might agree with her lol.
When we first got Tilly she was so very small the runt of the litter and when curled up she fitted in the centre of my cupped hands. At the time that she came to us, a ginger tom cat (Tatty) had adopted us, he was a big softy who dribbled and had decided to take up residence in our polly tunnel, when Tilly met him they fell in love and each of them would take their turn every morning to wash and clean the other, then chase each other around the garden, again each one taking the turn of the chaser. Sadly one day Tatty did not come, we later found out that a drunk driver had run him down, it broke all our hearts, but I think mostly Tilly’s.
Tilly loves going on holidays in our eriba caravan, she loves the adventure, we just need to be able to get away more, a goal I need to reach, a phobia I need to defeat. I love it when we manage to get away it’s just the stress before going, panic attacks etc… the fear of leaving the house, sometimes it’s all to much, but we will cover this subject again. I guess poor old Tilly picks up on my feelings and becomes very excitable before leaving, she sometimes drives me up the wall but I would not no what to do if I was to lose her. Any how that’s our Tilly and I’m sure she will pop up now and then as I am blogging.

 

Tilly about one year old.
Tilly & Me holding hands